Top-tier /lit/ copypasta

/lit/ got it's hands on the Navy SEALS copypasta and subjected it to postmodernism:


A dualist Plato scholar philosophy professor and designer of hydroelectric power stations was teaching a class on René Descartes, known metaphysician. ”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Descartes and accept that his "cogito ergo sum" is the most self-evident idea in the history of humanity, even more evident than "panta rei"!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, deep ecologist Heideggerian traditional farmer who had written over 1500 papers on the ontological difference and understood the necessity of a new German beginning for western philosophy and fully supported all hermeneutization of ontology spoke:

”What is that by terms of which this rock can be said to exist, pinhead?” he said in a 19th century rural dialect of German

The arrogant professor smirked quite modernly and smugly replied, “Matter, you stupid postmodernist.”

”Wrong. Matter is just an a posteriori theoretical understanding of reality. If its Being, as you say, is a metaphysical substance… then its Being is a being.”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Discourse on the Method. He stormed out of the room crying those dualist crocodile tears. The same tears modernists cry for the “res cogitans” when they jealously try to claw wonder from the world by making it a standing-reserve of resources. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Aristotle Spinoza, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an inauthentic nihilist. He wished so much that he could experience aletheia, but he himself had created metaphysical cages that prevented Being from showing itself!

The students applauded and all enrolled in the university of Freiburg that day and accepted historicity and finitude as the defining characteristics of human existence. An eagle named “Ereigenis” flew into the room and perched atop the portrait of Friedrich Nietzsche and shed a tear on the chalk. Sein und Zeit was read several times, and Being itself was disclosed and propagated authenticity and existential dread throughout the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died after being ran over by a motorized fleet of agricultural machinery and nothing happened to him after that because being-towards-death is a condition of possibility for experience.



More where that came from!





A japanese hosso monk and zen master was teaching a class on Lao Ze, known riddler

”Before the class begins, you must adopt a meditation stance and reverence Lao Ze and accept that he was the most enlightened being the world has ever known, even greater than Heraclitus!”

At this moment, a brave, phenomenologist, continental German philosopher who had published over 1500 papers on hermeneutics and understood the necessity of an ontological characterization of human beings and fully supported all deconstruction of metaphysical thinking stood up and held up a rock.

”Does this rock have buddha nature?”

The arrogant professor smirked and smugly replied “mu, you stupid Westerner”

”Wrong. An existential analysis of the rock reveals that it has no language and therefore it is not opened to the disclosure of Being. If it was neither Dasein or not Dasein and its ontological nature, as you say, was indeterminate… then its rock-Being should be a concern to it!”

The monk was visibly shaken, and dropped his bonsai and copy of Tao te Ching. He stormed out of the room reciting those obsolete buddhist sutras. The same sutras buddhists recite for the “souls of the deceased” when they jealously try to devalue responsibility over their finitude from the deserving authentic Daseins. There is no doubt that at this point our monk, Gautama Boddhidarma, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an inauthentic onto theological thinker. He wished so much that he had a non metaphysical characterization of truth to reconstruct his ontology over a groundless ground, but he himself had petitioned against it!

The students applauded and all registered with the university of Freiburg that day and accepted Nietzsche as the last and greatest western crypto metaphysician. An eagle named “Ereigenis” flew into the room and perched atop an ancient oak and shed a tear on the now standing reserve of timber. The Ister was read several times, and Being itself showed up and spread existential angst across the country.

The monk lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the technocratic plague nihilism and was tossed into the impossibility of possibilities for eternity.

Ex nihilo omnia
p.s. It rests by changing.


--


A demonologist transcended mongolist professor and Geist activist was teaching a class on Hegel, known necromancer.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship the end of history and accept that Absolute Idealism is the most highly-evolved sophism to make us feel good about ourselves the continent has ever known, even greater than self-serving petit-bourgeois protestant theology!"

At this moment an uncaring if he was brave because being judged by illusionary social standards was of no importance to him, egoist, unique girl's school teacher who had smoked more than 15000 cigars in Hippel's winebar and understood the spookiness of all ideology and fully supported whatever he felt like stood up and held up "Der Einzige und sein Eigentum".

"I wrote this, innit?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite synthetically and smugly replied "It's not yours at all, fucking egoist, its the stern, reluctant working of reason towards the full realization of itself in perfect freedom."

"Wrong. It's been a few years or something (time is nothing to me) since I, the Unique One, created it. If it was not mine, and idealism, as you say, is not a spook... then Ghost Busters wouldn't have had a happy ending."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his balls and copy of Plato's dialogues. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic thesis and antithesis tears, both coming together on his cheeks into synthesis. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Hegel (who liked to teach about himself), wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a spook ridden sad cunt interested in arbitrary justifications. He wished so much that he had some kind of Own to hold on to, and he had but just didn't realise it because he was an involuntary egoist.

The students applauded and all started milk shops that day and accepted their Self-Enjoyment as the end of philosophy. An eagle named "Union of Egoists" flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Stirner's Critics" and shed a beer on the hardcover. "Ich hab' Mein Sach' auf Nichts gestell" was said several times, and Renzo Novatore himself showed up and demonstrated how hand grenades are nothing but a means of killing police officers.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of superstition and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.


--


A reformationist blackamoor preacher and bible translator was teaching a class on Martin Luther, known protestant.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Luther and accept that he was the most spiritually enlightened being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-papacy Landsknecht who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the Hapsburg and the Catholic League stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock, pinhead?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "5000 years, you stupid Papist

"Wrong. This rock was created by God at the dawn of time. If, as you say, salvation is through faith alone, it should be in Heaven by now."

The preacher was visibly shaken, and dropped his vernacular bible and copy of the 95 Theses. He stormed out of the town square crying those protestant crocodile tears. The same tears protestants cry about the 'excesses' of the Catholic Church, when in reality the wealth of the Church is given to it freely by its parishioners so that it might glorify God. He wished so much that he had a pyre to burn himself on, but he himself had petitioned against the burning of heretics!

The townsfolk applauded and all joined the Catholic League and accepted the Pope as the leader of Christ's Church on Earth, through the apostolic succession of the authority that Jesus vested in St. Peter. An eagle named 'Grace through Good Works' flew into the room and perched atop a cross of St. Peter the preacher had forgotten to burn. The Nicene Creed was recited several times and the Virgin Mary herself entered to square to lead everyone in saying the Pater Noster.

The preacher was run out of town and was thrown out a window the next day. He died of the heretic black death and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Deus Vult
p.s. kill the mohammedans


--


A libertarian professor was giving yet another lecture on the evils of any form of legal state authority. In his class was a 6 time deployed US Spec-ops delta force elite squadron member.

The professor smirked jewishly as he went on with his lecture
"If the state is infallible, I dare the government to end this class right now"

The navy seal spec ops colonel winced in embarrassment for the professor before quietly radioing in to HQ
"this is Soaring Eagle, come in base. Requesting a slave-pave at my 20"

Before the professor could take another sip of his mountain dew, a steamroller crashed through the wall. Shocked, the professor had no time to move out of the way as the machine flattened him into the floor, following which a cement truck steadily poured concrete over his squashed corpse. With a few back and forth motions, the professor was effectively paved into a new road - connecting the diverse customer base of the university campus and a nearby area of retail outlets.

the marine stood up in front of the class and advised to the class,
"Always take the high road"

he walked out as the classroom erupted in a cheering standing ovation that went on for several hours.


--


A Persian Zoroastrian homosexual cataphract horseman and fire worshipper was teaching a class on Zoroaster, known heathen.

"Before class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Zarathursta and accept he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"

At this moment a brave, patriotic, pro-Nicaean Roman centurion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decisions made by the Emperor of Constantiniple stood up and held a sealed envelope.

"What are the contents of this letter, pinhead?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite despotically and smugly replied "the letter from Khosrau to Kardarigan, ordering Shahrbaraz's death, which you intercepted and used to win the last war."

"Wrong. It's a letter from Muhammad, and I haven't actually read it yet."

At that moment, 20,000 Muslims burst into the room and beheaded them both. All the nations from Spain to India were conquered, and all of their subjects converted to Islam. Mankind entered a drark age, and ORthodoxy and Zoroastrianism were removed to the far corners of the Earth, where they languish in obscurity.